Better Together: Sexual Intimacy, Communication, and Distraction
written by Nathan & Kelli
Better Together: a weekly newsletter with ideas on how to improve your marriage and how to live a happy and productive life.
The Couple Project
“We aren’t saying anytime our spouse asks for sex we need to say yes, in fact that is a counter-productive path. When we feel obligated to do something it can create feelings of resentment. That is exactly the opposite of our goal. What we are saying is if we are willing to have sex, go for it. If we aren’t enjoying sex as much as we would like, then spend the time learning how to have fun with sex. We have found that an ongoing, open, vulnerable discussion with our spouse can get us working together to make love making more fun for both of us.“
— Continue reading our newest post: Say Yes, Enjoy Sex With Your Spouse
Quotes from what we have been reading
“The failure to share desires in a positive and fair manner is also the source of much misunderstanding and frustration in marriage. Expecting our spouses to fulfill our unexpressed desires is asking the impossible, and it makes disappointment inevitable. If we express our desires to our spouse, then they have the chance to seek to accommodate our desires or to refuse to be a part of seeing them fulfilled. At least, they have a chance.“
“The leading cause of distraction is not what we call external triggers, it’s not the stuff outside of us. But rather distraction begins from within, what we call internal triggers - boredom, uncertainty, fatigue, anxiety. If you don’t understand this principle — that time management requires pain management — you will always be distracted by something. Distraction is the inability to deal with emotional discomfort.”
“Committed sex is premeditated sex. It's willful. It's intentional. It's focus and presence.”
From The Couple Project Archives
“The most important piece of advice we can give is to stop comparing yourself to others. Stop thinking that you need to fix everything today. Stop thinking you aren’t good enough. If in a month from now you are making even the smallest amount of progress, that is further than you were previously. When you try to focus on too many new habits at the same time, you can’t give them the attention they need to make them feel natural in your life. You may have heard the saying “Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast”. If you try to improve your habits too quickly, you are more likely to give up after a few months, and then you will be right back where you are today.”
— Read our past popular post: 6 Ideas for Creating Lasting Habits
“It's easy to fool people when they're already fooling themselves.”
From Our Lives
As part of this month’s effort on improving sexual intimacy we decided to have a frank discussion about how we are doing and if there was room to improve. We took time before the discussion to make sure we had a clear idea of our answers so we weren’t trying to formulate them on the spot and not be able to give good or useful answers. This was a good exercise and we learned a few things about each other.
Here are a few of the questions we used.
- How often do you think we should have sex?
- What can I do to make our sex life better?
- Is there a time we had sex that stands out to you? Why does it stand out?
It wasn’t easy to talk about some of these things but we have learned over the past few years that we need to be more comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Now, go give your spouse a hug and tell them you love them!
Written and published by Nathan & Kelli.
ps. All this month for “The Couple Project” our focus is on improving sexual intimacy, if there is anything you would like us to talk about send us a question or two.
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